My Love Below

my journey through motherhood and other complex matters

My Love Has Surfaced

My Love Below has surfaced and on December 3, 2010 at 5:57 p.m., after 16 hours of labor, I gave birth to the most precious baby boy. Yes, all eight pounds of him. Since then, our lives have drastically changed . . . for the good, mind you, but there continues to be a few bumps and bruises and major adjustments along the way. Everyone knows I had a wonderful pregnancy. I gained 40 fabulous pounds (10 of which I have left to shed) and worked well up until the day before I gave birth.

Flash forward to 5 weeks later. I’m sleep deprived and dare I say already feeling a bit guilty about what has taken place in the last 20 days, and yesterday, I had a moment. I had one of those moments that I will never forget . . . I felt a bit disappointed in my role as a mother, a role I’ve only had for a measly few days now. A role in which I have the rest of my life to improve on. Humph. What’s even more interesting is that I was not alone in my feelings. Seems as though many women feel somewhat helpless at times when caring for a newborn. I’m not alone. I mean, I didn’t think I was, but the outpouring of responses that I received made me feel hopeful. I know motherhood is a sisterhood and as humans, caring for and rearing other humans, we’re going to make mistakes, even when we think we’re doing the absolute best for our children. I couldn’t contain my feelings though and wondered why we don’t address this more. Why do we, as women, believe that we have to be so strong all of the time? I’ve never been more vulnerable than I am now, as a mother. I question every day whether or not I’m making the right choices and to be honest, I won’t know if some of my decisions are the best for years to come. One of my friends got it right when she said, we act this way, because our mothers made it look so damn easy. Yup, at least mine did and I know Mrs. Sheryl did and Mrs. Girsel and uh all the other women in my life who raised children, some even did it single.

I have help (my husband) and what the heck am I complaining about again? Oh, I remember now, I thought I lived in a very organized world, one that I tried relentlessly to control. I had a baby and all that got shot to you know where. Now, I find myself planning, well hoping to get 5-10 minutes in for a good shower and a bite to eat three to five times a day (did I mention I need to do that to shed the baby weight) and hope my body and mind shut down when my head hits the pillow as soon as my son’s eyes close. And, I haven’t mentioned anything here about bathroom breaks. I would dare to say that some women probably go holding their babies on their laps. Now, that is a visual. It’s definitely an adjustment, but what I have to remind myself is . . .like my mom and Mrs Sheryl reminded me . . . this too shall pass. Never have a clinged to such a simple statement until now. I mean, it’s so true. Six months from now, when I look back on the first few months of motherhood, I’ll laugh and 15-18 years from now I’ll have a slew of embarrassing stories to share with my son . . .about my son. Each day I learn something new about his little development and each day, I do have a few laughs. Right now, at nap time, you’d think there were a slew of barn animals living in my house. The noises this kid makes as he sleeps and stretches is beyond me. All I hear is a donkey, a couple of cats and a goat.

Despite all of this, what remains the same is that my family has grown and so has my love. Day in and day out. In laughter and in,at times, tears. This continuation of my blog is just my interpretation of this incredible journey that I have embarked upon and that I share with so many others.

My Love Below makes his appearance . . . Look at those cheeks!

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